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Friendships can be a huge part of university life, which can make it particularly difficult when one changes or something goes wrong. Maybe you've had an argument, someone has stopped replying, you feel left out or you've gradually realised you're not as close as you used to be.
Whatever's happened, there's no single right way to deal with it. You might want to repair the friendship, give each other some space or decide that you're ready to move on.
Should I talk to them about what's happened?
If you feel comfortable doing so, a conversation can be a good place to start.
Try to choose a time when you're both able to talk properly rather than attempting to sort everything out in the middle of an argument or over a busy group chat.
You could start with something simple like:
“I feel like things have been different between us recently. Can we talk about it?”
Try to explain how you've experienced the situation rather than assuming what the other person was thinking or trying to do.
And give them space to explain their side too. You might not agree, but understanding each other's perspective can make it easier to work out what happens next.
What if I need some space first?
You don't have to sort everything out immediately.
If you're upset or angry, giving yourself some time before responding can help you work out what you actually want to say.
You might want to think about:
- what has upset you
- whether this is one disagreement or part of a bigger pattern
- what you'd like to change
- whether there's something you need to apologise for
- what you need from the friendship going forward
- whether you actually want to continue the friendship
Taking some space doesn't have to mean ending the friendship. Sometimes you just need time to think.
What if we've just drifted apart?
Not every friendship ends because somebody has done something wrong.
University can change quickly. Timetables change, people move house, relationships start and end, workloads increase and interests shift.
You might find you're seeing someone less without either of you deliberately choosing that.
If you'd like to reconnect, try something low-pressure - grab a coffee, go for a walk or suggest doing something you both enjoy.
And if the friendship has naturally changed, that's okay too. It doesn't mean the friendship wasn't important when you had it.
What if we're part of the same friendship group?
This can make falling out feel much more complicated.
You might be worried about making things awkward, losing other friends or feeling like people are choosing sides.
Where you can, try not to put mutual friends in the position of having to take sides or pass messages between you.
You can have separate relationships with people in the same group. You also don't necessarily need to resolve everything before you can be in the same room - sometimes being polite and giving each other some space is enough.
If you're feeling left out of a group, remember that one friendship changing doesn't mean you've lost every connection around it.
What if we live together?
A friendship problem can feel very different when you still have to share a kitchen, bathroom or living room.
If problems at home are becoming difficult to manage, read our guide on what to do if you're having problems with your housemates.
How do I set boundaries with a friend?
Boundaries aren't about punishing someone or controlling what they do. They're about being clear about what you're comfortable with and what you need.
That could mean saying you don't want to discuss a particular topic, asking someone not to share something personal about you or deciding you need some distance from the friendship.
Try to be clear rather than expecting the other person to guess what you need.
And remember that the other person is allowed to have boundaries too.
What if they don't want to talk?
You can invite someone to have a conversation, but you can't make them respond or repair the friendship.
If you've reached out and they don't want to talk, repeatedly contacting them is unlikely to help.
Give them space and think about what you need to look after yourself.
It can be painful when you don't get the explanation or resolution you hoped for. Talking it through with someone you trust can help, even if the situation itself hasn't been resolved.
Is it okay to end a friendship?
Yes. Sometimes you might decide that you don't want to continue a friendship. Other times, the other person might make that decision.
You don't have to stay in a friendship simply because you've known someone for a long time, live together or have mutual friends.
Where possible, try to handle the situation respectfully. Ending a friendship doesn't need to mean turning other people against them or sharing private things they told you.
And if somebody else chooses to end a friendship with you, it's understandable if that hurts. Give yourself some time and lean on the other people and things in your life that matter to you.
How can I meet new people?
A friendship changing can sometimes make your social world feel much smaller, particularly if that person was who you spent most of your time with.
You don't need to immediately find a new best friend.
Start small. You could:
- message someone from your course you've got on with
- volunteer
- spend time with people you already know but haven't seen recently
What if the situation is really affecting me?
Friendship problems can affect your mood, confidence, sleep, concentration and how you feel about coming to university.
You don't need to dismiss it because it's “only” a friendship.
Talk to someone you trust or reach out for support if you need it.
The University's Wellbeing Services can support you if what's happening is having an impact on your wellbeing.
If you're feeling lonely as a result of what's happened, you can also read our guide:
What can I do if I'm feeling lonely at university?
Check out our advice on how to combat loneliness.
What if the friendship doesn't feel safe?
Some situations go beyond an ordinary disagreement between friends.
If someone is threatening, harassing, intimidating or hurting you, you don't need to try to fix the relationship yourself.
Prioritise your safety and talk to someone about what's happening.
The University has specialist support available through its Support and Report tool if you've experienced harassment, bullying, discrimination, sexual misconduct or other unacceptable behaviour.
If you're in immediate danger, call 999.
How can the Guild help?
Sometimes you just need help working out what to do next.
Our Advice Team can help if the situation is starting to affect other parts of university life - for example, if you're having problems with shared accommodation, your studies or another University process. If another service is better placed to help, we can also point you in the right direction.
Complete our enquiry form or email advice@exeterguild.com for support.
